A good friend of mine once told me a story about how he was rejected by an attractive girl he was interested in. The interesting part was that she was crying and obviously hurt by someone, but when he attempted to console her, her reaction to him was cold, mean, and frankly…insulting. When he explained this tale to me, I couldn’t help but wonder about the implications. Naturally, he went into a lot more detail than I just did, so I was able to analyze the situation quite in depth with him. And after a few moments of questioning and pontification, we arrived at a very simple reason why his offering of comfort was a complete turn off for her.
It’s simple: he didn’t have the RIGHT to comfort her. Before you can lead a woman she’s going to have to have some sort of trust in you. My friend, though his intentions were sincere (even though he would have used her misfortune to build rapport with her), was not the kind of man she could trust, at least not at the time of the incident.
He was weak, needy, and definitely an average frustrated chump, and she knew it. Even in her compromised position she would not allow herself to be comforted by a man who lacked the strength she craved. In short, she probably felt that he had no right (authority) to comfort her in her time of need.
Standing up to a difficult woman requires being authoritative. If she’s giving you the business, you need to be able to assert your personal boundaries naturally. A woman with a bit of experience in dealing with men isn’t going to be fooled by a one or two time occurrence. Even after you begin standing up to her, she’s going to test you, over and over again to ensure that the one time you finally defended your personal boundaries wasn’t a one off. She needs consistency from you, the type of consistency that can only come from a man who has not only learned how to exercise his authority in a relationship but he’s also learned how to be an assertive man. Being assertive to your core means that your behavior is influenced by your mindset. You’re not reliant merely on techniques.
Instead, because of your decisive, principle-led nature, you play the part naturally without much thought. This is what your woman is going to be looking for, because without consistent displays of assertiveness on your part, she’s not going to be convinced by your once-every-now-and-then acts of authority.
As you’ve probably realized by now, what she wants is congruence from the man in her life. And the best way to ensure that you’re on top of your game more often than not is to move past the point of just acting alpha and focus your energy on becoming a strong, self-assured man at your core instead. Give Up Your Need for Coddling In the event you don’t know the definition of “coddle”, it is to treat in an indulgent or overprotective way.
That means if you’re a man who needs coddling, especially from women, then in order for you to feel secure about yourself you must be treated in an indulgent or overprotective way. I remember being in junior high and I was definitely having one of those days where things just weren’t going my way. In Biology class, I had this female teacher that insisted on giving the guys in our class a hard time. She was a new teacher, and looking back I realize that what she was actually doing was testing to see which guys she had absolute authority over in our class and which of them would be more likely to give her a hard time.
On the day in question, she said something that was particularly insulting to me, in front of the entire class. I felt hurt and embarrassed and it showed. It was quite evident that she had “hurt my feelings” and she came over, put her arm around me and apologized. Yes, this actually happened in junior high school, in front of EVERYONE. Believe me, I’m cringing as I write this. So why do I bring up this dark, painful, unmanly memory that I swore to take to my grave? Well, all for your benefit. In this little tidbit from my past, it was obvious that I needed coddling.
From that moment on, she watched what she said to me not out of respect but out of pity. I got what I wanted, which was to be left alone, but it wasn’t because she respected me.
My sensitivity shone through quite easily, and the other kids in the class didn’t feel the same kind of pity for me, I can tell you that much. I’m almost sure that that one event caused a whole lot of junior high school suffering that took me awhile to correct.
Looking back, what I should have done was have an adult-like “cease and desist” conversation with her at that moment or respond with cockiness and humor. Since she was so willing to “go there” with me I should have had the guts to do the same with her. Unfortunately I didn’t, and it will forever be a lesson learned of how not to respond to unwanted jests or a woman’s tests.
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